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Wednesday, 09 December 2009

When you were young.

You sit there in your heartache
Waiting on some beautiful boy to
save you from your old ways
You play forgiveness
Watch it now ... here he comes!

He doesn't look a thing like Jesus
But he talks like a gentleman
Like you imagined when you were young

-The Killers
goodbyes hurt the most.

Hi Carolyn. Hey baby. Babygirl, pookie, carebear. (every name you didn't like, lol)

I feel like you're dead. And, in so many ways, you are. So before I lose myself, as I will, I want to write down my truths for you. It's important. I have a hard time remembering traumatic events, and I can already feel myself slipping. I'm sorry. I'll always remember that you were mine, that I was yours for some time, and how it ended. I just might not remember the things in between.

To my baby, wherever she might or might not be:
Carolyn Weiss, you're a million things. You're beautiful (always.) You're mean (when you want to be.) You're a teddy bear (when you want to be.) You're loyal. Independent. Funnier when you're nervous than any other time. Dedicated (when you want to be.) You're romantic. Sexy. You're mysterious. Comforting. Spontaneous. You're a lover. A fighter. You break rules and hearts. You're an addict (when you want to be.) You're a girl. A woman. A lover of them, as well. But none of this stood on their own. They were all woven and with threads that meant the most to me.

Threads of love words. Of promises. Of late nights spent fighting and crying and feeling so much emotion at once. Of early morning phone-calls just to say "I love you" and "Have a good day, baby" Of nervous kisses. First kisses. First misses, landing on my chin and cheeks. Morning breath blues, nude scenes in the kitchen, in the bathroom while you're brushing your teeth, kissing in the back of your truck to avoid Jess, and bugs. (Mostly bugs.) Walks in the park. You holding my hand and teasing me about my fears. Your comforting embrace. The way you could wrap me up and stop everything for me. The way you could stop anything for me. Your touch. (So soft, gentle.) Your kiss. (So deep, sensual.) The look in your eyes when you stared into mine. The way you made love to me. The way you brought my body to life. The way you played me like a piano. Every time you bought me flowers. Candy. Carved a letter opener for me. The way you danced your love dance for me kept my attention. These things brought the thread that tied all of the attributes I most loved about you into who you were.

And who you were is arguably more important than anything else. You were my soul-mate. My best friend. My lover and my captor. You taught me and you let me teach you. You held me and you healed me. You gave me an answer to every question I had been searching for. Your body was everything I could have wanted. You walked with me at a depth I thought nobody could. You held me close in that depth, and by doing so you were in the furthest depths of my heart. Your laughter was the most contagious laughter I'd ever heard. It made me laugh and gave me butterflies.

Oh, the butterflies. Boy, did I get those! You gave them to me at the beginning. When you kissed me and said sweet things. They faded away (as they always do, that's normal, you know) quickly and left me with only comfort and trust. I was a dragon sleeping on my back. Soft belly exposed. And that's the last time you gave me butterflies. When you called me baby, the last time. It was as if my body knew and quivered somewhere deep inside. An earthquake was on the way.

When you told me that you weren't in love with me anymore, I cried. I felt so alone and so without my other half. I felt immediately stripped of half my soul. Completely torn. I asked you to swear hoping that you couldn't. But you did. And the sound in your voice will never leave my mind. The sound of hearing you tell me that you didn't want to marry me was enough to end me right then. But with the addition of "You're not my soul-mate." I was beyond broken. Something inside of me is gone. But I know it's really just you.

I asked you a million times "Promise?" when you'd say "I love you" and when you'd say "Forever" Also when you said "I want to marry you." and when you said "I love you with everything inside of me." And a part of my heart remains on the strings of those promises. The only thing suspending it's porcelain structure from the dismal truth that is the ground.

You gave up on me. I felt it and I'd been begging you not to. You let your pride get in the way of loving somebody else. Loving would have meant putting your pride in me. In us. Letting me have pride in you. You don't want to admit it, but I think you ran. Hard and fast into the shell you were living in at home. Into the familiar comfort of numbness. You focused so hard on our faults, on my faults, you couldn't feel it. Or me. But I was there. And I was ready to help you fight any and all demons you needed me to. Like I had done before. Like you had done for me before.

Is it better to have a world of black and white, or a world of gray? When gray has no pain, but no goodness, either. And black is so painful and white is so beautiful. When faced with this choice, you had to choose. and not to quote a song but, for you my love, "I hope you choose the one that means the most to you."

Carolyn, I'll never give up on you. I know you say you're dead. You're gone forever. But sometimes I think I can still feel you. And I know that when you love somebody this much, enough to endure the depths of hell if they should choose to put you through it, they couldn't possibly not love you anymore. Because life just doesn't work out like that.

You're my soul-mate. The place you occupy in my heart will never be disturbed. I'll keep any promises I ever made you. (If I remember them all.) And most importantly, my dedication to loving you will never stop.

This isn't goodbye baby, so don't cry. It's like a "see you later" but the later is just undefined.

Always,
Britt

Tuesday, 08 December 2009

CALLING LENORE!!!!!!!!!

Girl did you get a new xanga? Mother fucker get the hell in contact with me I want to show a girl your hot accent lols

Tuesday, 01 December 2009

Drink of the Day--Mai Tai

1 oz Rum
1/2 oz Myers Dark Rum
Pineapple Juice
Orange Juice
Sweet and Sour

Rum is delicious with that coconut//Hawaiian taste.

Think Malibu's coconut rum <333 yummm

Monday, 30 November 2009

Drink of the Day--Margarita

1 oz Tequila ( I remember it as MargariTA TAquila lol because it's the alcohols that are hard to remember.)
1/2 oz triple sec
sweet and sour
dressed w/ lime garnish

This drink is one of those that most people have heard of. Although most people picture it as being red.